Screw Cap Industry Strikes Back

Ξ April 1st, 2011 | → 3 Comments | ∇ A Day at a Time, Interviews, Technology |

Movie making is fun. Just ask Tony Kardashian, newly hired public relations guru of the International Association of Screw Cap Producers. Among the most puzzling interviews I’ve ever done, it is also one of the frankest, as you may now read.
Admin Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. How is the weather in D.C.?
Tony Kardashian Hi, Ken. I was just outside breathing in the fresh air, watching cherry blossom petals fall on children’s faces. That’s how I roll.
Lovely. Could you tell us a little about your background?
TK I was born in the open ocean. My parents were bio-aquaculturalists; they were into the planet’s deep mind, a gaia kind of thing. We moved onto land when I was four. Broke my heart to leave my pet dolphin behind. We bought 16 acres of pristine jungle from the government of Borneo where my parents taught me the mysteries of native medicines. I learned how to milk spiders and snakes for anti-venom, you know, boy stuff. At 16 I caught a glimpse of god during a vision quest with a Sarawak shaman from the local village. Never was the same. Since I’ve become a man, all I’ve ever known is ‘green’.
Remarkable. Is this true?
TK Of course not! That’s what I love about bloggers. You guys eat this stuff up. I don’t know why you even bother interviewing me. Hell, writing a story about Robert Parker’s sleepwear will get you more readers. Au naturel, fyi. I’m from Miami. I taught Psy Ops at Quantico, specifically Acoustic Warfare. My first job in the private sector was to develop a more consumer-friendly sound when twisting off a screw cap. Next question.
OK. Why were you chosen to head IASCP?
TK Well, Len, I’m going to give you a lesson in PR 101. Ever heard of a single bauxite mining death?
Now that you mention it, no. And it’s Ken. My name is Ken.
TK There you go. But in the cork forest? Thousands have died in that dark place. It’s insidious. They start out as young people with hopes and dreams, just like you and I. But after years of toil, during which they drive dangerous roads, use sharp axes, not to mention fight off dangerous predators, their bodies eventually just give out. Don’t get me started on the domestic carnage corks cause downstream. But that’s a whole other issue.
Wait. Hold on. There is a lot here. What do you mean by ‘domestic carnage’?
TK As my film will amply demonstrate, cork kills. And maims. People like to think a cork begins and ends its life in a bucolic, natural way. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our research has uncovered some pretty terrifying facts. Let’s take Champagne, for example. Did you know there has been a 600 percent increase in mimosa-related accidents since I began keeping records? What a way to ruin a Mother’s Day Brunch! I’ll send you a picture taken just last year of some poor kid who wanted only to share in the joy of that special day. You tell me when the pain stops after an event like that? I don’t care how good the mimosas must have been. At a certain point, we’re all human.
Interesting. So, about your organization’s film, is it to promote screw caps or reveal the horrors of cork? And what about the predators you mentioned? Cork forest workers have to fight off predators?
TK That’s right, Kent. We in the screw cap industry have been deeply wounded by the misinformation and outright lies spread about our closures, especially those subliminal messages buried in the cork industry’s crappy videos of late. So we’re fighting back with our own.
The name is Ken. I’ve seen most of their videos, but subliminal messages? And what’s this about predators? Please answer the question.
TK Very true. You may be forgiven for being behind in the times. You are but a blogger. And as such — pardon my tough love — your learning curve is somewhere around 90 degrees, straight up in other words. Subliminal messages are literally everywhere. Take the short-toed Eagle. Now really…. Who is in charge of naming these things? Some university egg-head living in a bunker, that’s who. If anything it’s a ‘razor-beaked flesh-shredder bird’, and is responsible for the deaths of countless animals smaller than itself. Think about it, Ben. This heartless raptor lazily turns in slow circles high in the sky until something more industrious and hard-working than itself comes along, maybe, I dunno, an innocent squirrel. Bam! Gone. So much for the value of rodent entrepreneurship. Subliminal enough for you? If they can get you to forget the razor-beaked flesh-shredder bird’s true calling, then shame on them. And on the consumer’s feeble imagination.
But isn’t that what raptors do? I mean, the circle of life?
TK That’s right, Tim. Almost. At IASCP we’re working on a product tie-in with the Travel Channel to illustrate just exactly that quasi-point. In fact, I have a conference call with them in a few minutes. We’re going to see if we can’t get that Bizarre Foods fella to eat an Iberian Lynx with a glass of Big House Red. Magical. He’ll eat anything. (laughs) Actually they both will.
Do you know how big Iberia is? It’s huge! It’s like Siberia only with less snow. It spreads out many, many miles in all directions, North and South being only two of them. And our research shows that there are abundant villages and even cities in this land time forgot, this Iberia. That damn Lynx is everywhere and nowhere. Get my meaning? It lives for blood and hunts by 100 and 10 percent stealth. The creature only seems rare because nobody can hear it until it’s too late. Even vowels are afraid, except the ‘y’. And ‘why’ is the question I’m asking. Why is this thing allowed to silently run loose in our imaginations? This picture is not to scale, by the way. The animal is actually too large to appear in any book.
I’m terribly confused. Perhaps we can move on to the dirty business of bauxite mining. What do you hope to prove with your film? What’s the title, by the way?
TK Bauxite mining is not a dirty business. It’s like having sex with one of my sisters. You might feel dirty afterwards, but that’s entirely a matter of personal responsibility, of personal choice. My film — it’s working title is ‘Screw Cap Dreams, A Miner’s Fantasy’ — is about a guy who works hard all day purifying alumina. He goes home to his wife. She wants kids…
You’ve included the words dreams and fantasy in one title?
TK That’s right, Glen. You have a keen ear for the obvious. So his wife wants kids. She’s fertile. But when they sit down to a candlelit dinner, he sees there on the table a bottle of wine with a cork in it. The romantic mood is lost. A big argument follows. We’ll probably put music over it, a Slash guitar solo possibly. In any event, our broken hero goes to bed and dreams of the perfect world his kids would have lived had they been born.
Jesus. That’s pretty rough. It’s only a cork.
TK Principles still count for something in this weary world.
Why don’t they just discover the wine is corked? She sees the error of her ways, apologizes, and they, you know, retire to the bedroom.
TK No. That’s too easy. I want punch! Drama! It’s gotta be an all or nothing kind of thing. What will have been the purpose of Randall Grahm’s cork funeral years ago if we as an industry admit to half measures? Besides, I’ve got a big budget. And I’m going to use it to show the positive cultural possibilities of the screw cap. I’ll send you some stills from the film. For example, one from the Easter Cap Hunt. It’ll be a tearful moment for the audience when two girls the miner could have fathered go on a screw cap hunt that never was. Imagine it, Dan! The pathos…
I guess I’ll have to wait for the pics. Are you well?
TK Good answer. And, yes I am. I have other examples. Another still shows the miner and his wife when they were young and foolish. They enjoy a picnic outside of one of our modern factories. The sun was beautiful that day, he dreams. So you’ve got this cutting back and forth between sleeping miner and bright young couple. Get it? Light and dark. Black and white. Right and wrong.
Well, Mr. Kardashian, thank you for taking time out of your busy day. Be sure to send me the pics. Best of luck with your film.
TK We’re done? O.K. Thank you, Ernest.
This is an April Fools Day post.


3 Responses to ' Screw Cap Industry Strikes Back '

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  1. on April 1st, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    This sounds like a brilliant film. Do you know if it will be presented in IMAX so we can grasp the enormity of the issue?

  2. Admin, Ken Payton said,

    on April 1st, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Thanks for the comment, Matt. I spoke with Mr. Kardashian earlier today and asked him your question. Yes, IMAX. AND it will be in 3D. Initially meant for limited release, Tony told me that if IASCP can secure a large enough number of venues, then Iberian Lynx jerky will be provided to each paying customer. Cheers.

  3. on April 4th, 2011 at 7:17 am

    ROTFL :]

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