Robert Parker Accused of ‘Wineboarding’

Ξ March 31st, 2009 | → 2 Comments | ∇ A Day at a Time, Wine News |

Robert Parker Jr.It is often said we live in a post 7/23 world. But in what is surely to become a historical pivot in its own right, April 1st shall henceforth be known as the date celebrated American wine critic Mr. Robert M. Parker looked forward to his next birthday behind bars. He and another American stand accused of an assortment of crimes including what Constable Terry Pithybottom, of Swollen Hogshead Station, South London, has called the ‘wineboarding’ of England’s frailest National Treasure, Mr. Michael Broadbent. In an exhaustively worded statement released to the blogosphere, Constable Pithybottom writes,
“The Crown’s complaint alleges that one Robert M. Parker and Mr. Mark Squires, did knowingly provide misdirected comfort, use subterfuge and flattery, the lure of an imaginary Claret, ‘Dowell’s Own’, all to persuade Mr. Michael Broadbent to accompany them to an abandoned squat on land that will be, God willing, the Olympic Village here in London. There, it is further alleged, they deliberately disheveled Mr. Broadbent, did blindfold him with a cheap cotton ‘Wine Advocate’ souvenir tee, and thence forced him to lay like a patient etherized on a table. What dark practice followed is in opposition to all civilized standards and is even unknown among the savage beasts prowling the deepest jungle. Mr. Parker and Mr. Squiers opened a wine, multiple bottles, and they were forcefully poured upon the entrances to the head of Mr. Broadbent. The wine was immediately identified by Mr. Broadbent as a 2007 Mollydooker ‘Charade’ though significant bottle variation made absolute certainty difficult. And during the assault Mr. Broadbent heard a high-pitched repetition of the words ‘one hundred points one hundred points etc.’ The meaning of this incantation remains unknown but its clear intent was to maximize the terror and hopelessness of the victim.
“It is further alleged that upon the compleat inebriation of Mr. Broadbent, he was relieved of the monogramed key to his place of work, Christie’s, an auction house. The perpetrators then left Mr. Broadbent to stagger home alone while they left in a Taxi for the aforementioned Christie’s. It is alleged that Mr. Parker and Mr. Squires used the stolen key to gain unauthorized entrance to Christie’s whereupon they accessed the rare wine room, though it has a title more august than space allows. CCTV recorded their entry into the rare wine room where they first approached the Bordeaux division and drank freely. They then turned their attention to the Burgundy division where the contents of many bottles were poured onto the floor.
Arresting Officers“It was at this point Mr. Broadbent was found by a police officer wandering in sing-song along a street and yet he successfully communicated to the officer what had happened to him, this despite the exaggerated distance between their stations in life. Police were promptly dispatched to Christie’s whereupon Mr. Parker and Mr. Squires were detained, along with a great many suspicious immigrants for good measure. They shall be arraigned in a fortnight.”

April Fools! For a very special celebration of this day please see the web site, DregsReport cobbled together by the irrepressible W.R.Tish with contributions from some of the finest bloggers on the net. I was not asked to participate (chin up!) so was compelled to write my own offering.


2 Responses to ' Robert Parker Accused of ‘Wineboarding’ '

Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to ' Robert Parker Accused of ‘Wineboarding’ '.

  1. on April 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Very entertaining! I’ll be sure to send this to my father who’ll no doubt find it amusing.

  2. on April 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 am

    hilarious, Ken, surely next time. I like the sly allusion to T.S. Eliot.

Leave a reply

From the Vineyard to the Glass, Winemaking in an Age of High Tech


  • Recent Posts

  • Authors